Sunday, November 12, 2006

How MUCH did you say you weigh?

I posted my weight today. I thought quite a bit about posting it...mostly questioning, am I nuts to do this? When I started Virtual Dinner Partner as a dyad practice with my original partner I included that information. When I weighed myself, she knew how much I weighed. Doing this involved major trust for me.

My nightmare question until recently has been "how much do you weigh?". The question was rarely asked, people knew better.

The last time I remember being asked was during a phone conversation a number of years ago when I was trying to schedule a flight on a small airplane to an island off the coast of Florida and total passenger and cargo weight mattered. I told them I wasn't even really sure how much I weighed.

I was asked, "over 200 pounds?".
"Yeah," I replied.
"By much?"
"Yeah."
I didn't add that I weighed around 280. I was referred to a boat company because I weighed too much for the plane ride. I burned with shame as I hung up the phone. I didn't go to the island.

I work hard to see my weight as peripheral information in my life. One of many bits that make up a complicated picture of how I am doing. Earlier in my life it seemed tied to my value as a human being. Weighing "too much" equaled not having much value as a person....particularly as a woman.

I have slowly dropped a substantial amount of weight during the last four years as part of a total life and health reclamation project. I am still considered "overweight" using the body mass index, but I am feeling pretty good. I try to see the numbers: weight, body mass index, pants size, hip measure, simply as numbers. Information that makes up part of a picture of how I am doing.

I am definitely doing better, but it is not strictly tied to the numbers that are associated to my particular measurements. I am feeling better. I have more energy and I feel happier. This change in my sense of "well being" results from some complex changes in everyday choices and ways that I experience my life. I don't fully understand how everything comes together to make a difference. I just try to pay attention to what is happening and how I am feeling. It's so much more than the numbers AND the numbers are simply numbers. So I pay some attention to them and I will include them in my postings from time to time.

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